From Russia with a kinky Glove

Arr it's been a while since anything has happened for Manchester United, sure ol' purple face became some overrated Socttish cunt and they won the League and got the Glazer's to outbid Roman Abromovich to out pay the ref - they won the Champions League too the cunts.

"Yeah I think we just didn't give up and we kept on going until Chelsea run out of cash and that cunt Abromovich went to get some more oil, err ohh armmm fuck I mean Chelsea are shite and we beat 'em well good" Wayne Rooney told the new MCTV (Mega-cunts-tosser-vomit).

But the major story today is that of Cristiano Ronaldo, Carlos Tevez, a rubber glove and a few other United cunts, apperently Cristiano got back late after that win in Moscow, like 5am early and whilst quickly trying to get into only the best 2-star hotel in Moscow, he accidentally turned on the coin operated TV and woke up Sir Alex as he was coming into a white glove; So a certain Ranga said "Well I was texting some hot Russian bloke called Roman on my new Vodafone Sony Erricson we all got from UEFA, I heard some sleazy Russian porno come on - me thinking it was Wayne and Cristiano just doing the usual but with some words they picked up over here, I didn't hear the normal 'Arr that's not my arse Cristiano that's mee fuckin' neck rolls' and as I looked up the Gaffer was pulling his old purple cock and tossing into a glove.."

When Sir Alex was asked by MCTV whether this confirmed his pedophilic ways he said "Doesn't every wee scotsman cum into a glove ecchh?", the Journo asking then threw up. Ronaldo also told the club channel "Well we were having a good ol' night I saw Sir Alex having a pull, knowing Wayne would get excited I quickly did him first"

Also, long time United target Jas Klaan Huntelaar talks about why he isn't gay enough for Man U, saying in this edition of MM that he just doesn't have those feelings. "Amsterdam is known for prozzies and pot, The two things a United player/manager/fan all love, But despite this I just don't have this cock-fetish like every other Manc has.. it's just not in me and it's a real shame, Like If I could be the oppisite of a Tom Cruise and act gay but really be straight I'd sign but.. i'm not a good actor like Tom Cruise I mean, what he did on Oprah, fuck that was amazing, you'd think he was a mega-woman fucker with a reaction like that!".

Read more in the Season Review edition of Molester's Monthly: The Man Utd magazine!" To read the article just click the pic!

Two Cunts And a Spa

The world's brighest footballer Wayne Rooney, with Man Utd team-mate and Fair-Play man Cristiano Ronaldo were caught in a 100,000 Spa at Wayne Rooney's mansion together photographed by Liverpool favourite 'paper The Sun and The Daily Mail.

When the two ere questioned by BBC One Ronaldo said; "That cunt Sir Alex made us do it, Originally we [Ronaldo and Rooney] were going to be in the centrefold of the latest Molester's Monthly, But the red-faced twat set us up".

Wayne Rooney added "I'm editor of the Molester's Monthly and I do all the editing and make sure the spelling is proper - 'Cos they know i'm not only as talented at playing football but i'm an awesome football writing lad too".

Sir Alex Ferguson said out the front of his house today; "Yes, yes, I set those twats up - What the fuck are ya'll going to do, You twats at United will never sack me even if Mourinho is being offered 1.5 Mil. a month by us... Oooh shit, I shouldn't said that eh..".
Newspapers believed he was imbarrased, But since the cunt always has a red face they thought it was normal...

That Issue of Molester's Monthly, Featuring that Centrefold is out tommora!

Ronaldinho: "I'll Never Play for those Cunts"

Ronaldinho has said in an interview for "Molesters Monthly", The Official Man United magazine, That he will never play for Manchester United, or as he called them in the interview "The cunts".

"Manchester United have tried to sign me for the last 5 seasons but I just don't wanna play for them, I'll never play for those cunts", He said after the magazine asked him "Is Manchester nicer than Barcelona?".

When asked by Molesters Monthley - The Official Man Utd Magazine if he cared he was becoming worse every minute he played for Barca and Brazil he said "I don't give a fuck, I'd rather do this and keep making money off FIFA games and sitting on the bench for this shit Barcelona team than play for those smelly kiddie-raping twats Man United".

Ronaldinho said that Barcelona told him he could "Fuck off away from this joint" if he wanted. "Yeah, the nice fellas at Barca said I could finally leave this hole that is Spain. I felt happy and said to Henry that I was moving to AC Milan but he just said "Haven't you heard, Only those shit cunts Manchester United and Chelsea want you".

"I decided to keep being on the cover of FIFA and FIFA Street games for something to do when I have purposly hurt myself so I can't play the next game, Then I realised that cunt Rooney was on all the covers. I decided to go and see EA Sports and tell them to get that fat prick Rooney off the cover or give me a new game - And they did, And now I have a game about me going to Old Trafford with my Brazilian pals to try and bomb the Stadium and kill as many players from United as possible".

Ronaldinho then had to leave the interview with Child Molesters Monthly to go get his teeth whitened.

Molesters Monthly - The Official Man United Magazine, Issue One is out now available from all shitholes that sell Man Utd stuff!

Cristiano Ronaldo Found Raping 3-Year Old!

In breaking news, Manchester United's cross-over doing, now child-raping overrated fag has been found in his cardboard box with a young 3-year old from Zanibia in Africa, apperently after Ronaldo lost a step-over comp. to Nani.

Police have said "We are not at all suprised by this, Cristiano Ronaldo plays for a team that have had a history of child molestation; In 1999 Alex Ferguson was caught whipping a 10-year-old Manc with a whip and calling him a 'Dirty, dirty little boy".

The FA have said this; "We don't care, Man United always do weird shit like this and we couldn't give a rats-arse about it - We have warned United about kiddie-molesters but they will not listen, So we don't give a fuck!".

Nani was also caught wearing a kinky maids outfit at Wayne Rooney's house whilst cabbage-faced Rooney called him "A fucking immagrant".